LoveHateTragedy

yesterday , around midnight , i laid the top half of my body on my bed , with my head on the bolster ... i just finished watching two episodes of mushishi ... was kinda depressed n sad for certain reasons so went to watch that calming anime , n it turned out to be very effective ...

anyways ... laid down n stared at the ceiling ... the room was dark , and the only source of light was a yellow dim glow ... the aircond was blowing at me , and every breath of wind it gave relaxed my soul ...

there i lay for 40 minutes , my brain constantly producing , processing and digesting deep thoughts . processing the thoughts of my life . i wanted to pack my bag n brush my teeth n set my bed , but i couldnt move . i was thirsty , but i couldnt get up for a drink . i felt my stomach twitch , but i couldnt react to it . i felt my heart and soul bleed , but there was no cure for it ...

suddenly , in the midst of my imaginations , i felt a drop of tear shed from the corners of both my eyes ... it slowly trickled down and got to my sideburn , and it gave me a nostalgic kind of feeling . when was the last time a tear escaped my eyes ? it was burried too deep in the past for me to dig out , and i couldnt recall . but it had definitely been years since the last time .

i froze there , motionless , for another ten minutes . i finally managed to pick myself up and pack my bag . i felt my footsteps were weightless . i felt like i was walking on air . i felt like i didnt exist . i felt like a was drifting to a faraway place from Earth .

i entered the bathroom for a piss , but i halted my steps upon entering . i turned and looked at the mirror . to the reflection i asked questions in my mind . who are you ? what are you doing here ? why are you here ? why do you exist ? many questions flooded in , but none were answered . not too long ago , i still had a definite answer for life . back then , i had an image of *this word cannot be revealed* in my head the moment i saw the questions andy had for God and for Life . but now , my head was blank . empty . nothing at all ...

later on when i was about to sleep ... i lay on my bed in the total darkness and stared at the imaginary ceiling yet again . after a while , without my realization , two tears had trickled down all the way to my sideburns . i used a finger to wipe it , and i felt my sideburns were drenched ... and before i knew it , i had already entered a dreamless sleep ...

anyway , this morning i woke up late for skool . it was 8 when i was awake . i took my own sweet time , took a quick shower , and stuff like that . my dad had taken a leave from work today . so anyway , he fetched me to skool later on . there was a moral ceramah going on , so i went into the dewan and took a seat with the gang at the last row of the seating .

i tried avoiding my problems n troubles for the rest of the day . i put up a smile . i scold , i joke , i laugh , me dom n andy had ecstatic fun , but yet i feel the emptiness crept deeper in me as time flew by .

at the last two period , i could take it no longer . my expressions on my face presented a drastic change . from a big laugh , i suddenly turned into a sad monster . i spaced out , or `termenung` as u would call it . thoughts from the night before came flooding in al over again . i realized i was back at step one . i felt like i was in a state of trance . by the time i realized it , andy was already beside me , waving his hand in front of my face ...

do you know why im depressed ? there's two reasons ... out of these two , one of it is for you to figure it out urself and for me to keep a secret ...

as for the other reason i got sad n angry over , its because of Malcolm . andy told me not to blog about this , but for me , i cant be bothered anymore . let malcolm think whatever he wants . let malcolm despise andy however he wants . i dont think malcolm deserves andy as a fren , anyway .

malcolm wants andy to modify the club account figures . i dunno if its because malcolm lost the money , or if its because he used it to buy something else or he plans to do so . but whatever it is , i view it as an act of DISHONESTY . andy tried persuading malcolm but mal wudnt give in . i summoned mal twice , and asked him a few questions which he never answered . he would end the conversation by saying `this is me and andy's problem` . YAH RIGHHHTTTT . since when the hell was it andy's problem ? andy had no problems at all with the accounts till mal came into the picture !!

do u noe im sooo farking disgusted with his mentality ? its a disgrace to humanity .

ya wanna noe wats worse ? there are at least a few billion other idiots who share the same mentality with malcolm out there in this world we live in .

oh , GOD .